Selfish Thoughts
by Jared
Summary: [CCD] Someone's wishing for the seemingly impossible--the desire to die is strong. Thoughts run wild, a chance is taken. Will he succeed?


Selfish thoughts  
Jared 

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Disclaimer:  
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for this fanfic. 

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Author's note:  
I left out the name of the person who this fic revolves around on purpose. The selfish thoughts in the title are the selfish thought of death-giving up, and life- forcing someone to live. Whether the ending is happy or sad is debatable. 

And to all you folks out there who want to flame- don't bother. I wrote this because I'm in a foul mood today and this was an outlet for me. Unfortunately, I happen to think it was ok for a fic, that's why I posted it. And no, I didn't get my beta to check it out before I posted. I just made sure there were no grammatical errors and all to the best of my abilities. So if you want to flame, I'd thank you in advance for lashing out at me while I'm down. It really helped me to see the kind of people there are out there. 

Course, as per normal, please, do help out, leave constructive criticism if you wish. I don't mind that. And thanks for your interest. 

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For once in my life, I would like to be selfish. Just as you have been, just as anyone has been at one time or another in their lives. Just to be selfish and be myself. 

From the day that I was born I was given heavy responsibilities, treated different. I was never really loved, merely respected. Just like how I never earned a pet-name for myself, and only had the honorific 'san' clapped onto my name. 

I had to smile, when I was sad, when I was afraid, never show my true emotions. Yet today, your death anniversary, I can't help but wonder- will I ever get the chance to be selfish? 

Every one expects so much from me. The perfect job, the perfect grades, the perfect smile- it's as though perfection is my middle name. 

Yet I can't help but wonder-can I show my imperfect side for once? Am I allowed to be selfish even once? 

Wait…I was selfish-once, a long time ago, I was selfish, and it nearly cost my friend his life. Dare I be selfish again? 

Why did you leave me behind? Why did you have to leave? You were the father I never knew, whose love I could never have. Why is it that you can be selfish and leave me behind? Why couldn't you take me along, away from this world where I feel this aching pain of isolation? 

I really want to be where you are, away from all of this. I just want to die. The knife- it's sharp. Just perfect for what I would like to do…maybe I'll come and join you soon, maybe I won't. But for once, I just would love so much to be selfish and do what I really want to do, without having to face all the consequences of which I am all too aware. Imagine it splashed in the school paper tomorrow- 12 year old commits suicide. But it'll just be another day, another suicide, and it'll pass. For I am no more important than anyone else. For I am human, just like everyone else. 

The knife…it's cold. The cold blade sends me shivering. But it will pass. I'm warming up now. Is that what my blood looks like? Deep red? Strange, I've never really noticed how it looked before. Yet I don't feel any pain. I feel numb, and exhausted beyond belief. Is it normal? I wouldn't know. This is my first, and hopefully it'll be my last. 

I wonder what they'll say when they see my body. Will they scream and yell? Or will they be shocked beyond belief? Will they realise it's suicide? Or will it be a murder? I wouldn't know, and frankly I don't care. I just want to be free. I just wonder though…what will he think? No, I can't think like that. I'm supposed to be selfish. I'm not supposed to worry about the reactions that they'll have. I don't believe it, even now, I can't be selfish. They are all holding me back. Why? Why can't they let me be selfish even once? 

There's someone shaking me. I can't really see clearly. The face swims in and out of focus. I hear someone yell my name, and lift me up. Can it be who I think it is? I hope not. Else this will all come to naught. 

Oh no. It **_IS_** him. Looks like I failed after all. I just feel so tired. Will I never be allowed to be selfish? 

This must be the hospital. I wonder how long I've been out. One day, maybe two? I can feel the respiratory mask on my face. The air tastes bitter. Must be the medication. And that irritating pinging I hear? Is that supposed to be my heart? It sounds way too healthy for my liking. 

Oops, I think I made too much noise. He's noticed that I've awakened. I see sorrow and fear embedded in his eyes. Oh no, tell me he's not going to make me promise not to try that again… 

Busted. Really, he can be so predictable sometimes. I suppose I'm smiling- I can feel the corners of my mouth turn up. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Now he's watching me with the eyes of a hawk, he knows me too well. 

Strangely enough, I hear myself say at the end of his sermon, "I just wanted to be selfish for once…why couldn't you even grant me that wish?" 

His eyes bore deep into mine. "I did. I let you be selfish once. I let you block that bullet for me- the guilt nearly killed me. I won't let you be selfish again. Because I'm selfish. Let me be selfish, just for once." 

I nod to indicate my consent. Yes, I'll let you be selfish this once. 

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So, can you guess who it is? No prizes if you can. ^_^ 


End file.
